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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26953240">Skipping Rocks Across the River</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppalachianApologies/pseuds/AppalachianApologies'>AppalachianApologies</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Appalachian's 2020 Whumptober [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Criminal Minds (US TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Autism, Autistic Spencer Reid, Dad Hotch, Emotional, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Semi-Verbal, Spencer is autistic, Whump, Whumptober, Whumptober 2020, and it's hard to express emotions as autistic, because No One Understands, but emotional whump, but that's okay because we have, emotions are hard, he's in the patented No One Understands And It's Hard To Express My Emotions(tm), it's sad boi hours</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 18:34:15</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,442</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26953240</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/AppalachianApologies/pseuds/AppalachianApologies</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Gideon's left, and Spencer isn't sure how to process the fact that yet another one of his father figures has abandoned him.</p><p>Day 11: Struggling</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Appalachian's 2020 Whumptober [11]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1948174</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>272</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Collections:</b></td><td>Whumptober 2020</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Skipping Rocks Across the River</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>Hi friends!! This story was a lot of fun to write, and I had a lot of fun making connections between chess and real life :) A few weeks ago I got the urge to write a story where Spencer is semi-verbal and only communicates through statistics, but I never got the time to write it, between AQR and Whumptober oof. But I fit in a semi-verbal story here! So! Yay! My semi-verbalness manifests as me repeating the same word over and over again, hoping that someone will somehow understand the meaning I'm trying to get from it. I was going to use some echolalia here, but I ended up just having Spencer repeat a phrase lots of times :) </p><p>Also it's not explicitly mentioned, but Hotch is dealing with Haley and custody and all that fun divorce stuff</p><p>You all better be treating your autistic brothers, sisters, and non binary siblings with love, and enjoy! :D</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>
  <span>Spencer left the letter at Gideon’s cabin.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He memorized it before he even digested the information, so he knows that he couldn’t have missed a secret meaning in it. His tears clouded some of the pen while he clutched it to his chest, but he still left it right where he found it. Spencer isn’t even sure why he didn’t save it. He figured Hotch would need to see the letter for proof, but at that moment he wasn’t thinking of that.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He was thinking about yet another father figure leaving in his life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Gideon, who took Spencer’s life and made it incredible, who made his life worthwhile, who took him under his wing, has left. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>And the only evidence is a note that Spencer’s left miles away.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That evening, Spencer plays chess throughout the entire night, not bothering to even attempt to get any sleep. No matter how many games he plays, he’s always the loser.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The next morning at the BAU is tense, to say the least. Hotch has his eyebrows pressed together the entire day, checking his phone obsessively, while obviously ignoring a letter on his desk. Morgan and Emily spend the day trying to figure out what’s got Hotch in knots, and don’t even notice the extra deep circles under Spencer’s eyes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer spends the day sitting at his desk, playing out more and more results on his portable chess board. He thinks that there’s got to be one move that’ll bring back Gideon. Maybe just one move that will put Spencer’s life together again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because that’s what’s happened. Spencer’s life has crumbled in the span of a day. At least with his mother he watched her decline, and he knew what the endgame was going to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Not with Gideon though.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He just.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Snapped.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The last time this happened Spencer went with him, back to academia, avoiding all of the horrific cases. This time, Gideon left him along with everyone else. Along with everything else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer clenches his teeth and sets up the pieces once again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty boy, what do you think?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Jerking up from his deadly stare on a bishop, Spencer questions, “About what?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“About Hotch,” Morgan supplies with a frown. “C’mon, haven’t you been paying attention? The man hasn’t even left his office to get coffee today. What do you think is up with him? Do you think it has to do something with Gideon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Anger bubbling up from being interrupted, Spencer hisses out, “I think it’s his own business and you’re not supposed to be inter-team profiling.” Morgan immediately draws back, all evidence of teasing gone on his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Before Spencer can apologize, he quickly stands up and goes to the kitchen to get more coffee. He doesn’t plan on sleeping any time soon, and there’s no way he’ll be able to stay awake without more caffeine.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>From the other side of the room he can hear Morgan question, “Did I say something?” To Emily.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer starts his chess game up once again, White moving first. Knight moving to create space, because in four moves he’s going to need to be able to shift his king around so that the black queen can’t get a check, which would then force him to move his bishop to block the check, but that would make his rook vulnerable, and in three moves after that it would be checkmate on White.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer moves the white knight.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>JJ’s the next one to come up to his desk. “Hey Spence, we’re going to lunch. Wanna come?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Without taking his eyes off his board, he replies, “I’m busy. Maybe next time?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Nodding, JJ replies, “We’ll bring you something back.” Before leaving Spencer alone with his thoughts. Just how it should be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Alone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because everyone will inevitably leave him. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Logically he knows that it was only a matter of time before Gideon left, and it’s only a matter of time before everyone else leaves him too. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>It shouldn’t have surprised him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer doesn’t like change. And that’s all this is. It’s one giant change to his life, which will affect everything, and now everything’s going to go wrong, and there’s nothing, </span>
  <em>
    <span>nothing,</span>
  </em>
  <span> that Spencer can do to fix it. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Because Gideon’s already made his decision.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>To leave Spencer, and change his life. Spencer figures it’s only fair. First, Gideon came into Spencer’s life and changed it for the better. Now, he leaves Spencer’s life in the blink of an eye, changing it for the worse.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer doesn’t eat any of the food JJ brings him, and goes back to his apartment with his beloved ivory chess pieces. Those were a gift from Gideon.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He considers calling his mom, but it’s a toss up on whether or not she’d be lucid, and she doesn’t have the best track record regarding phones. After all, the government is tapping into them, listening to her thoughts.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer plays move after move, wondering if this is how Gideon decided to leave. There’s an infinite number of moves he can make on the chess board, but no matter what happens, it will always end one of two ways.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>White will win.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Black will win.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The best chess players in the world cannot stop that outcome. All of the right moves can be made, and all of the perfect thought processes can occur, yet the outcomes will never change. Either</span>
</p><p>
  <span>While will win.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Or</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Black will win.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There is no inbetween. There is no happy outcome where everyone gets a participation award and goes home. There’s only two things that can happen in Spencer’s life.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He will meet someone.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And</span>
</p><p>
  <span>They will leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer stops playing chess around the 2 AM mark that night. He spends the rest of the time sitting on his couch, looking straight ahead. He can’t stop his own brain from thinking of a million different things he could’ve done. He can’t stop his neurons from firing from every direction, trying to create a scenario where Gideon didn’t leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Actually, that’s not quite true.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He knows a way to keep his brain from working.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He can call up his own dealer, buy more street dilaudid off of him. And then all of the thoughts will be silenced, and the entire world will be dulled. After all, that’s why addicts get into their drug in the first place.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As a way to escape the world they’re trapped in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>As a way to free their thoughts from the world they’re in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Despite what everyone tells him, the world is made of Black and White. His chess pieces are perfectly carved, and are perfectly colored.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>White.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>And.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Black.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Life and death.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Meeting someone, only for them to leave.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The real kicker of all of this, is that Gideon would know what to do right now. Gideon would know how to help Spencer, and Gideon would know how to soothe his anxieties. He would know how to comfort the youngest agent the Bureau has ever seen like no one else.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer takes the train to the BAU, and even at 5:45 AM he’s the second one there.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch is making the first(?) pot of coffee, and he barely acknowledges Spencer when he walks in. They give each other a head nod, like the masculine effigies they’re both trying so hard to be.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer sets his messenger bag down on his desk, and pulls out the portable chess table. He sets each of the pieces down, the same way he did when he was little.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Queen, king, and then both of the rooks, the knights, and the bishops. And then from the left to the right, eight pawns. Spencer repeats the process on the other side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There are only two sides to chess, and only two possible outcomes.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>White and Black.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Win or lose.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer begins playing. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>The problem with playing by himself is that he can’t ever win. No matter what moves he completes, he’s always beating himself into a corner. Into submission, until he can’t do anything but surrender his king. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch walks back to his office, the perpetual frown littering his face.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Three hours later, Morgan interrupts Spencer’s chess game.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Okay, spill Pretty Boy. What’s going on with you? I’m sure Gideon’s fine, he probably just-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sacrificing a pawn to a white rook, Spencer states, “He left.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Playing along, Morgan asks, “...Okay. We’ll go with that. How do you know?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There’s plenty of evidence.” Spencer answers, letting a knight fall straight into a trap, just to protect their fragile king. “Everyone eventually leaves in my life. I should’ve been expecting it. After all, Gideon’s stay had been far too long for nothing to happen.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Pretty boy,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“And he left me a note.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>That stops Morgan in his tracks. “A note? Like a suicide note?” He asks, eyebrows suddenly pinched together from worry.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Eyes still focused on the game, Spencer easily replies, “No. My dad left a note too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reid, does Hotch know about this?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“No.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Sighing, Morgan points out, “You’ve gotta tell him, man. We need to know this stuff-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I know!” Spencer interrupts, placing White in check. “I know you all need to know about it! I’m not an idiot, Morgan. I’m not, I’m not, I’m not,”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hands suddenly held up in a surrender, Morgan soothes, “I know you’re not, Reid. What’s going on with you?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m not an idiot!” He shouts again, frowning when his loss is imminent.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reid, look at me,” Morgan tries, putting a hand on his shoulder.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>The contact is like electricity, and Spencer instantly jerks back. “Don’t touch me!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Whoa, okay, I won’t-”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I have to finish this game.” Spencer states, even though he knows how it’s going to end. Black’s endgame has succeeded White’s, and now it’s only a matter of time until the king will fall. He makes moves in quick succession, internally wondering why White doesn’t just give up by now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>White can’t win.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s two possible scenarios from the first move of the game. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>White will win, or Black will win.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>There’s not any hope left for White right now.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Three moves later, the king has bowed down. Check using a brilliantly placed bishop, pawn, and knight. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer wallows in his defeat to himself for only a moment before moving to set up the board again.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Queen, king, and then both of the rooks, the knights, and the bishops. And then from the left to the right, eight pawns. Spencer repeats the process on the other side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morgan stays by his side the entire time at a complete loss of what to do. After Spencer makes the first move, already sealing the fate of Black, Morgan quietly talks.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Reid, talk to me. What’s going on in that big brain of yours?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My brain is no larger than the average human’s.” Spencer mumbles, moving Black’s pawn.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morgan isn’t impressed. “Spencer.” He starts up again, daring to use his first name. “What happened with Gideon?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I already told you!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Have you told Hotch?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Making sense in his own brain, Spencer replies, “There are only two possible outcomes! White will win, or Black will win. Don’t you see?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Swallowing, Morgan observes, “Reid, I don’t understand.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There are only two outcomes!” He hisses again, wishing that for once in his life, someone could understand him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Kid, you’ve gotta give me more than that to go off of.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Nobody understands!” Reid mutters, making his first move with a white bishop, threatening a knight. But if the knight moves, then White is free to take two pawns, keeping Black at bay. “There are only two outcomes!”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Morgan hates to do this, he really does, but he isn’t getting any leeway with his brother. He leaves Spencer for a moment, walking up to Hotch’s office, while Spencer is oblivious to the entire thing.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>He moves piece after piece, sealing the fate of his inevitable loss when Hotch is suddenly bringing a chair to sit next to him.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Spencer.” He starts, looking directly at the younger man, rather than the chess game he’s so invested in.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer replies by huffing while moving the black bishop, knowing full well that it’ll only survive for two more moves before sacrificing itself for the king.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Morgan said Gideon left you a letter?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer takes his eyes off the board for a fraction of a second, before turning back and nodding.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With a sigh, Hotch asks, “I know he already asked you this, and I hate to ask it again, but are you sure it wasn’t a suicide note?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There were only two possible outcomes.” Spencer answers honestly. “I should’ve been expecting it.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Frowning, Hotch asks, “Reid, do you want to go talk in my office?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Either White will win, or Black will win.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Undeterred, Hotch offers, “Let’s go sit in my office. You can bring your chess board.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>With the promise of continuing his game, Spencer precariously carries it with both of his hands, walking through the bullpen, attempting to ignore all of the oncoming stares.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch motions to the couch, but Spencer settles himself on the floor, setting his game in front of his criss crossed legs. The older man watches Spencer for a couple minutes, before asking again, “What happened, Reid?”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“My dad left me a note too.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch pauses for a second, making the connection that Spencer so desperately wants to tell him. “Gideon decided to leave, and he’s not coming back. Is that it?” Even after knowing the kid for only a few years, Hotch thinks that he’s rather proficient in Spencer’s semi-verbalness.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“There were only two outcomes.” Spencer confirms, moving the last standing black knight as a poor attempt to save the queen.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“I’m sorry, Reid.” Hotch offers, knowing that whatever he’ll say won’t heal the younger man. “I’m sorry you have to go through this again.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer looks up to him, actively looking at another human for the first time in days, before giving a shallow nod of appreciation. </span>
</p><p>
  <span>After White’s inevitable win, Spencer sets up his chessboard once again. Queen, king, and then both of the rooks, the knights, and the bishops. And then from the left to the right, eight pawns. Spencer repeats the process on the other side.</span>
</p><p>
  <span>“Even with an infinite number of permutations, there’s only two possible outcomes in a game of chess,” Spencer starts, making the first move. “White will win, or Black will win.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Hotch sighs, and folds himself so he’s sitting down on the floor next to Spencer. “Sometimes, there’s a draw.”</span>
</p><p>
  <span>Spencer pauses, mid movement for a few seconds, before continuing. A few moments later, when he takes the first pawn, he replies, “And then there are no winners.”</span>
</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>Writing autism is very therapeutic for me, I'm not gonna lie.</p><p>I'd love to hear your thoughts on this, or even what's on your mind! Come talk with me on <a href="https://www.tumblr.com/blog/appalachianapologies">tumblr</a> (AppalachianApologies) if you'd like!My asks (anon included) and dm's are always open, and I'm always so down to meet new people :D</p><p>I love you all very much, and I hope you all are doing okay. If you find yourself in a bad or scary situation, here are some hotlines (Please keep in mind that the written out numbers are US hotlines)</p><p>National Suicide Hotline: 1-800-273-8255<br/>National Sexual Assault Hotline: 1-800-656-4673<br/>National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233</p><p>If you don't live in America and need someone to talk to, here's a list of <a href="https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_suicide_crisis_lines">international hotlines.</a><br/>You are not alone, and I love you all &lt;3</p><p>Much love to all of you, and take care until tomorrow!! &lt;3</p></blockquote><div class="children module" id="children">
  <b class="heading">Works inspired by this one:</b>
  <ul>
    <li>
        <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/27773392">Gambit</a> by <a href="https://archiveofourown.org/users/pidgeode/pseuds/pidgeode">pidgeode</a>
    </li>
  </ul>
</div></div></div>
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